Heartbreak Road.

I’ll be needing those stitches now.

So I’ve had some time alone to reflect on what the heck I’m doing now.

And I find myself once again heading down heartbreak road.

Man, I hate that road.

I’ve been traveling it more frequently these days, and I don’t think that’s a good trend.

I had so looked forward to spending time with Kailey when I returned from Malta.

I just wanted to come back, throw rocks at her window, and hold her tight and swing her around laughing when she came down.

I had so many great moments with her.

Like the day at the park when I told her that if I could choose a moment in time to freeze forever, this would be it.

And I meant it.

That said, she has so clearly rejected, abandoned and ignored me since.

Why don’t I get the hint that she just isn’t that into me anymore?

That I’m cold product?

Let me see if I can sum up our conversations since that first one I blogged about on my return.

A week or so later she texted me and said I was a good customer and that I didn’t have to ask my sister go in to get me coffee.

A good customer.

Now that’s something I’ve always wanted to hear from the woman I care about.

So, what do I do?

I get all excited that maybe she does miss me a little, and hang out at the café all day hoping for a chance at a conversation, of course!

What actually happens is that I end up trying not to watch her laugh and chat with some other guy on the couch in the corner where we used to sit almost every day.

I have to pinch myself to make sure I actually do exist, since I clearly don’t in her universe.

I just sit there in the corner for close to an hour until the pain hammering the back of my eyeball gets too intense and I take some aspirin and leave to walk off the impending migraine.

So clearly that’s the end of it, right?

For any sane person, yes.

But me?

I call her later that night and ask her to tell me if she’s no longer interested and there’s no chance for us.

I just want to hear it so I can have some closure, take the all-too-familiar journey down heartbreak road, and move on.

We get off to a good start.

“I don’t think about you. I don’t read your blog (which is going to be a good thing if I actually post this). I didn’t remember when you were coming back. It was a complete surprise when you walked in. I haven’t thought about this at all, but if I had to make a decision right now, no, there’s no chance for us.”

And then, “But I don’t know for sure.”

So which part do I latch onto?

Yeah.

She’s not sure! There’s a chance!

Like I said, insane.

I mean, when I see other guys do this, I just roll my eyes.

Pathetic.

So yesterday, I went back to the café with renewed hope and determination and had what I thought was a fun conversation with Kailey and her mom.

Until Kailey disappears into the back office, comes out with all her stuff over her shoulder, and says that she wants to be alone.

See ya.

Out the door.

No further contact.

—–

So, I think I’ve left it all on the table and then some at this point.

My pride.

My heart on my sleeve.

My sanity.

I just want to hit the road and run.

But that would mean I’d have to overcome my hatred of phone calls and paperwork to take care of my fines and license and insurance and title and accident reimbursement and then go car shopping to get a vehicle in which to hit the road.

And I do want to spend some quality time with my family before I head out on my next adventure.

But I’ve really got to buckle down and stop being such an idiot.

I am excited to continue this quest to become more interesting.

To round out what I have to offer to a teammate someday, or to just enjoy on my own.

I hear there’s a possibility that I could be a stagehand at MerleFest.

Now that sounds interesting!

-D